Four Stories
by Chris T. Brodie
Summary: Four different events that occur through the eyes of JTHM, Squee, and Devi on a single Saturday afternoon.
1. Little Squee goes out with his folks

"Five Stories"  
  
By Chris T. Brodie  
  
  
  
CHAPTER 1  
  
  
Little Squee was walking along the strip mall one Saturday afternoon with his mother and father. He struggled to keep up with his parents who continued to walk at a brisk pace, hoping to lose their unwanted son.   
  
"Faster, dear, faster," said Squee's father. "Maybe we can lose him at the Walgreens up ahead."  
  
"Walgreens!?" squawked Squee's mom. "Holy shit! I need refills on my medications!"  
  
"Again!?"  
  
"Yes. I need more Paxil, and Zoloft, Celebrex, Prozac....."  
  
"Jesus Bleeding Christ," snapped Squee's father. "All right. Go in there and get what you need. But remember, we're on a tight budget til payday!"  
  
"I need more money!"  
  
Squee's father glowered at the result of unintentional conception standing next to him. "Well I suppose this dependant can live on 75 cent cheese crackers for two weeks to save money on food."  
  
Squee whimpered as his mother happily breezed into the drugstore. His father snapped at him.   
  
"It won't kill you not to eat meatloaf or chicken for a couple of weeks anyway. I mean, come on, you must weigh at least 20 pounds. Hell, feeding a Saint Bernard is cheaper!"  
  
  
"Yes, Daddy." Little Todd squeezed his teddy bear, Shmee closer to him for comfort.   
  
Then, a young blonde in her mid 20's stepped up to Todd's father and handed him a flyer.   
  
"Sir, we're offering all massages half off for the next hour," she said.   
  
"Cut the crap. Is this one of those erotic massage parlors?"  
  
The blonde looked embarrassed. "No sir, we don't do THAT kind of massage therapy."  
  
He looked at Squee and replied, "At this point, I couldn't give a flying fuck. I need something to get my mind off of all this crap that's going on."   
  
He turned to follow the blonde, but stopped when he felt a tug at his shirt.   
  
"Let go," he growled at Squee. He fished a five dollar bill out of his wallet and thrust it at Squee. "Here. Go buy some smokes or something. Anything that will decrease your insignificantally short lifespan." And he walked off.  
  
Squee fingered the wrinkled bill. "Come on, Shmee. Let's go buy some Pop Rocks and Coke and hope that my head won't explode."  
  
As he turned to walk into Walgreens, a boy about the same age stopped him at the entrance.  
  
"Stop! You can't enter."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Gotta pay the toll, man. You got any money on you?"  
  
Squee held out the five dollar bill which was promptly snatched from him by the other boy.  
  
"Hey, give that back!" protested Squee. "That's mine!"  
  
"Tough shit, dookie-head," said the boy shoving Todd to the ground. Tears welled up in little Squee's eyes as the bully laughed and walked away. 


	2. Enter Johnny

Chapter 2  
  
  
The bully entered a nearby 24-7 conveneince store. Despite the fact that he had just robbed Squee of $5, he strolled into the candy aisle and casually began to fill his coat pockets with chocolate bars, bubblegum, Ho-Ho's, and a bag of Funions. The kid then made a beeline for the exit, but one of the clerks saw him and grabbed the kid before he could escape.   
  
"Hey!" the bully yelped. "Leggo of me!"  
  
"You stole some candy, so now we're going to call the police," said the clerk, dragging the kid away.   
  
"Wait!" he yelled. He pulled out the 5 dollar bill and thrust it at the employee. "I can pay! Just don't call the cops! Do you know what they'll DO to a kid like me in Juvenile Hall!?"  
  
The clerk ignored the whining boy's pleas and let the bill fall to the floor as he dragged the kid to the back room. A moment later, Johnny bent over and scooped the bill from the tile floor.  
  
"Perfect," he said. "Just enough for a cherry Brain Freezy!"  
  
Johnny took a cup and held it under the dispenser. He pulled the lever, but the red liquid refused to pour out. He pulled harder, but the freezy remained in the mixer. To make things worse, a big jock in a red and gold letterman jacket was behind him, waiting impatiently for his turn.  
  
"Hey what's the hold up, man?" he taunted. "Little guy like you need some help?"  
  
"No," said Nny. "I got it." He tugged harder, but the drink still wouldn't pour. The jock lost his cool.   
  
"Outta my way, faggot." He pushed Nny aside and yanked at the lever, causing the iced drink to pour into his cup smoothly as soft custard. When the cup was filled, the jock slammed a plastic dome shaped lid on it and waved his drink in Johnny's face. "This is how REAL MEN get something to drink, stick-boy!" Johnny was still sprawled on the sticky floor as the jock went to pay for his freezy.   
  
After paying for that, the big guy got into his car and put his cup into a holder under the dash. As he put the key in the ignition, a soft rustle came from the back seat.  
  
"Hello?" He looked behind him, but he only saw the backseat littered with old term papers branded with huge F's in bold red ink. The jock shrugged and turned the key. When he raised his hand to adjust the rearview mirror, he saw Johnny the Homicidal Maniac crouched in the backseat, clutching a rag in his skinny hand.  
  
"HOLY SHIT!" The jock raised his fist for a punch, but Nny was too quick for him. He pounced on him and covered his face with the rag which had been soaked with chloroform. After several moments of struggling, the big boy finally passed out from the fumes. Johnny pulled out a large knife and was about to slice the bastard's throat, when he heard a familiar voice outside.  
  
"Come on, Tenna! The movie starts in 30 minutes!"  
  
DEVI!  
  
Nny peeked out from the rear window. Devi and her pal, Tenna were walking by the store. Tenna had stopped to lace up her boots.   
  
"This is the last time they're going to show 'Il Postino' in this city again!" whined Devi. "If we miss it, then we'll have to wait forever for another foreign film!"  
  
"Hey, did you bring $5?" asked Tenna.   
  
"Is THAT the new admission?" said Devi. "$5?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Devi pulled out her wallet. She only had $2.67.  
  
"Crap! So now what?"  
  
"I'd loan you cash, but I've barely got $5 on me," said Tenna.  
  
Devi turned away sadly. "It's OK. Just....go without me."  
  
She sat on the curb and pulled her knees up to her chin.   
  
Johnny felt helpless as he watched his former friend pine over her missed movie. But wait....  
He took the $5 from his pants pocket and crumpled it into a ball. Then he barely rolled down the window and tossed it at Devi.   
  
"What's this?" She picked up the crinkled bill and unfolded it. "Hey! Five bucks! Tenna, I can make it!"  
  
The 2 girls sped off for the movie house. Johnny watched them from the backseat of the car.  
  
"There you go, Devi. Enjoy." 


	3. Movie gone awry

The Cinema 9 Theatre was deserted. Very peculiar, especially on a Saturday evening. But Tenna and Devi walked up to the box office to buy their tickets.   
  
"So.." said Tenna. "What's on the agenda for tonight?"  
  
"What's playing?" said Devi, peering at the marquee. "They've got: "Breakdown", "Brazil", "Spider-Man", "Lilo & Stitch", "Mallrats"....."  
  
"'Mallrats'?" said Tenna with a sour look on her face. "Who th' Hell would pay to see a Jay and Silent Bob movie?"  
  
"Aren't you playing any foreign films?" Devi asked the cashier.   
  
The cashier, a pimply faced boy of about 16 years replied, "Um...we were showing 'Cider House Rules' last night."  
  
"I said foreign films!" snapped Devi.   
  
"As a matter of fact." The pizza-faced kid printed 2 tickets and slid them under the window of the box office. "I smudged the ink on the tickets, but I think the title was 'The Czech Is In Turmoil' or something like that."  
  
The girls forked over their $5 and entered the movie house. As they sat in the back row, Devi couldn't help but notice that the theatre only had a few other patrons-- mostly single men in their mid 30's to mid 40's.   
  
"Something wrong, Devi?" Tenna was placing her boot-covered feet on the empty chair in front of her.   
  
"Isn't it odd that there are only four other people in this movie?"  
  
"So? No one appreciates the fine art of obscure foreign films."  
  
"Then why is this place composed of single men?" asked Devi, closing her long jacket.   
  
"T&A," said Tenna. "They're only here for the sex and nudity in these films. And lord knows that you can't find THAT in such fine films like 'Lilo & Stitch'."  
  
  
The house lights dimmed and the film began to play. To their surprise, there were no subtitles on the screen.  
  
"Crap. This is going to be dubbed," said Devi.   
  
But the characters in the first scene spoke impeccable English. It was a couple of men meeting in a seedy bar. Then they went to an old run-down motel that charges by the hour. Devi felt a bead of sweat drip down her temple as she heard soft shuffling in the theatre.   
  
"Oh, fuck."  
  
That's when the title popped onto the screen in huge bold yellow letters: THE CZECH IS IN THE MALE!  
  
  
Tenna turned to Devi. "Porn! That dumbass sold us tickets to a porno!"  
  
"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" hissed Devi.   
  
"Now what?"  
  
"Let's get the fuck out of here!" Devi and Tenna quietly rose from their chairs and slipped out of the theatre.  
  
  
*10 Minutes Later.....*  
  
  
  
"God Damnit!" screeched Devi. She and Tenna had just spoken to the manager about their little incident. To Devi's chagrin, Zit-Face wasn't even reprimanded for sending them to a gay pornographic film. In fact, the manager chuckled and said, "Oh, that little rascal." when Tenna told him about his slip-up. But to make up for it, the manager refunded their $5.   
  
"That little BASTARD!"  
  
"Relax, Devi," said Tenna. "It's over now. It's finally over."  
  
  
"Sorry, Tenna but I'm reeeealy pissed off right now!"  
  
"You know what you need?"  
  
Devi stopped dead in her tracks and stared daggers into her friend's eyes. "I swear, if you say it...."  
  
"You need to get out more often!" chirped Tenna.  
  
"FUCK! That's your goddamn solution for everything! I swear, I could be dying from some vicious form of cancer, combined with painful chancre sores on my lips and my brain rotting away from syphillis, and that's the only bit of advice you could spit out of that goddamn mouth of yours!"  
  
Tenna braced herself for another spewing of loud insults from her bud. "Well, can we get Chinese?"  
  
Devi actually smiled. "Yeah. We can do Chinese."  
  
"Kickass!" whooped Tenna. "There's this new place called Wok and Roll..."  
  
As Devi listened to Tenna babbling on about this new restaraunt, she never saw the little boy walking next to her. Suddenly, the kid tripped on one of Devi's big boots and fell to the ground.  
  
"Hey!" he spat. "Watch where you're going!"   
  
"Get bent," snapped Devi as she and Tenna continued walking away.   
  
The boy put his hands to his temples and began to concentrate. He focused his mind, like a Jedi preparing to summon his lightaber with his thoughts. A five dollar bill floated from Devi's pocket and into the kid's hands.   
  
"Pepito!" called his mother.  
  
Pepito pocketed his cash and went up to his mom. "Yes?"  
  
"Bad news, sweetie," said a lady wearing a cross around her neck. "I have to make an emergency run to the office right now."  
  
"But I wanted to see 'Spider-Man'!" he wailed.  
  
"I'll tell you what, Pepito. Why don't you call your little buddy and see if he wants to sleep over tonight?"  
  
"Yeah!" squealed Pepito. "I'll call Todd up right now!"  
  
  
NEXT....THE FINAL CHAPTER 


	4. Pepito goes to Squee's

Since no one was answering the phone over at the Casil's house, little Pepito journeyed on over   
to see what his little wide-eyed buddy was up to.   
He was halfway there when he encountered Adam and Steve.....2 of the biggest kid assholes in the   
class. They were strutting down the street like they owned the place when they spied Pepito.   
  
"Weeeell, if it ain't that weird kid from school," chimed Adam. Adam had a good build for a six   
year old and had golden blonde hair that was constantly falling in his face and icy blue eyes.   
He was often seen playing kickball on the playground with his dishwater blond bud Steve. Steve   
was more lanky but still athletic, and had a restless stare coming from a pair of hazel eyes.  
  
  
"You melted the heads off half the kids in the class," said Steve.   
  
"All except for your little friend. What was his name? Squeedge? Squeaks?"  
  
"No, it's really stupid. Somethin' like Todd. Or Turd," snickered Adam.   
  
"SILENCE!" yelled Pepito. "I've no time for this tomfoolery. I've got places to go."  
  
  
Adam stepped in his path. Steve stood behind Pepito.   
  
"You ain't going no where, pal," said Steve.  
  
"Except the bottom of that Dumpster over there," said Adam pointing to a filthy rusted disposable   
unit covered in grime and dozens of flies buzzing over it.   
  
"Hey," Pepito tried to escape, but the 2 boys wouldn't let him go.  
  
  
"Whassa matter? Are you gonna be late for your date?"  
  
"Hey, I bet he's going over to Todd's house!"  
  
  
"Yeah?" said Pepito. "So what?"  
  
  
"Are you two gonna...you know," said Steve making a gesture with a limp wrist. Adam giggled.  
  
"If you must know," he began. "I've acquired $5 of your currency and I'm going invite him over   
to spend the night and watch some films."  
  
  
Suddenly, Adam yanked the bill from Pepito's pocket. "Oh, but it looks like your outta money   
Pepito!"  
  
"Yeah," said Steve. "Now We'RE gonna buy Ice Suckies whit this!"  
  
  
"Pop quiz, hotshot," Adam waved the bill in front of Pepito's face. "I've just robbed you of   
your money. Now you can't see your little friend. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU do, man?"  
  
  
"These little bastards are really asking for it," thought Pepito.   
  
"You really want to know?" he said.   
  
"What?"  
  
"I said, do you really want to know?" repeated Pepito, with a wicked grin.  
  
"Puh-leeaze," scoffed Adam. "What's a little freak with crappy hair gonna do? Make our heads   
explode?"  
  
That was the last straw.  
  
  
Pepito began to giggle. Then it became loud snickering. Then it grew to loud laughter.   
  
"What's so funny?" demanded Steve.  
  
"You morons never learn," said Pepito. "I blow up 90 percent of everyone's heads in class yet   
you mongoloids STILL take the time to rag on me. Especially my hair. So I'm gonna do my father   
a BIG favor."  
  
  
"What, wipe our names off that list you were talking about on your first day?"  
  
"Even better. See, Hell has no place for two brawny yet stupid brutes like you."  
  
Adam and Steve loomed over Pepito, cracking their knuckles preparing to throw punches. One more   
word.....  
  
"I've heard enough of this red-eyed freak with horns," said Adam.   
  
"And I grow weary of dealing with jackasses," replied Pepito.   
  
He raised his hands and a bright flash of light beamed down on Steve and Adam. Their screams were heard from miles away.  
  
***  
  
  
When the yelps reached Squee's house, he dropped the crayon he was using to color a picture of   
Shmee. His father bounded into the room.  
  
"Aw, shit," he said.   
  
"Did you see who it was?" asked Squee.  
  
"No, you're still here." And he turned and exited the room.   
  
At that precise moment, the doorbell rang. Squee walked to the door and opened it. Pepito stood   
on the front stoop.   
  
"Hey, Squee."  
  
"Pepito!" Squee tried to hide his shock. "Great to, um see you."  
  
"You wanna come over? I've got some cash so I figured we could rent a few movies and then you   
could spend the night."  
  
"I dunno," Squee said. If he spent the night at Pepito's ANYTHING was possible. He could wake   
up as a new recruit for Satan's minions. Or have his hair burnt off. Or be missing some body   
parts. Or watch "Jabberjaw" reruns till dawn.   
  
"My mom says we have to go to church tomorrow," he lied.   
  
"But I brought something!" Pepito jumped of the stoop and led two gray donkeys on a rope into   
Squee's view. "Burros!"  
  
"What!? Where'd you get them?" asked Squee excitedly.  
  
"I have my ways. Anyhow, we can ride them to my house and even set up a corral in the backyard   
and ride them there, too."  
  
"Hold on." Squee zipped up into the house and came back with a loaded backpack and his stitched   
up teddy, Shmee under his arms. Pepito helped his friend load his stuff onto one of the burros.   
Then they rode off into the setting sun. Mr. Casil stood on the porch shaking his head.  
  
"Honey? Grab that bottle of pink champagne and call up that little motel that charges by the   
  
hour!"  
  
"What's the occasion?" asked Squee's mom.   
  
"Our son finally ran away on the back of an ass."  
  
  
Squee and Pepito rode through the backroads on the backs of the trotting donkeys. About a block   
from Pepito's house, Squee's little burro stopped and began to bray for no reason.   
  
"Quiet, you!" Pepito shot a tiny beam of thunder on the beast's bum causing it to bray louder.  
  
  
"Don't be so mean," said Squee, climbing off the donkey. He stood in front of it and began to   
pet it's mane. That's when he saw that the burro had the oddest pair of hazel eyes. Then it   
opened its mouth revealing a set of big, flat yellow teeth. Then, in a low voice the donkey   
said, "Hey, Squee....." A wrinkled, sopping 5 dollar bill came tumbling from it's mouth and   
landed at Squee's feet.   
  
"OH MY GOD!" Squee began to scream at the top of his lungs into the night. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Back at the house of 777, Johnny quit writing in his journal when the screams hit his house. He   
simply looked out the window, wondering what kind of creature would be screaming so loud.   
  
"Poor bastard."  
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
